Purged by Sparticle

Double Wide

Sure, my car was hugging the yellow line, but it was between the lines. Even so, when the super wide woman in the super wide van yelled at me because she couldn't get out of her car, I backed up, centered, and re-parked. She took this opportunity to waddle  as quickly as possible so as to get in line in front of me at the Subway counter.

Inside, she ordered a foot long that I bet she wished were a foot wide, too. She took four pennies from the change cup and thanked the cashier very snippyly before the cashier thanked her. This last was obviously meant as a lesson in courtesy.

Next time, she better be ready to crawl over the seats and exit her hatch.

The Biggest Balls of All

A wedding is scheduled for 2:30 so you do the right thing and arrive at 2:15. Only then are you informed that there is a delay and the nuptials will not be performed until 5:00 "or so." Turns out the officiant can't make it any earlier. Since you know for fact this isn't a real ceremony (the bride's divorce papers haven't arrived on time) you get a bit miffed knowing this little detail doesn't really matter. 

Worse, there's clearly a hierarchy of guests: those who got a phone call notifying them of the change and those who did not. As there are very few people there, you are clearly in the latter category. What to do? What to do? 

Well, fear not. We got ourselves some beer and waited. And drank and waited and drank some more. 

They finally arrived and got pretend married. Party to follow ceremony included plenty of fried chicken and karaoke. Still steamed by my wasted time and the perceived slight, the couple found themselves out on the floor for their first dance to my sister and I belting out AC/DC's Big Balls.

AC/DC
Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap (1981)
Big Balls

I'm Ever Upper Class High Society
God's Gift To Ballroom Notoriety
I Always Fill My Ballroom
The Event Is Never Small
The Social Pages Say I've Got
The Biggest Balls Of All

CHORUS:
I've Got Big Balls
I've Got Big Balls
And They're Such Big Balls
Dirty Big Balls
And He's Got Big Balls
And She's Got Big Balls
But We've Got The Biggest Balls Of Them All

And My Balls Are Always Bouncing
My Ballroom Always Full
And Everybody Cums And Cums Again
If Your Name Is On The Guest List
No One Can Take You Higher
Everybody Says I've Got
Great Balls Of Fire

CHORUS

Some Balls Are Held For Charity
And Some For Fancy Dress
But When They're Held For Pleasure
They're The Balls That I Like Best
My Balls Are Always Bouncing
To The Left And To The Right
It's My Belief That My Big Balls
Should Be Held Every Night

CHORUS

And I'm Just Itching To Tell You About Them
Oh We Had Such Wonderful Fun
Seafood Cocktail, Crabs, Crayfish...

Ball Sucker

Bakku-shan

At my age, the best that can be hoped for from working out would be looking good from afar. And with my luck, I'd get just bakku-shan enough to turn the head of some inbred mountain man who'd kidnap me as a slave wife.

Sometimes I have to dig pretty deep for the daily "why my laptop is better than the treadmill" pep talk.

pointsmartclicksafe.org

has me most freaked about posting.

I'm so guilty of thoughtless pointing, and worse, mindless clicking. Are we sometimes just meant to be part of the problem?

By the company you keep

Target marketing for the Daily Tarot:

jean feraca

went to some journalism school that taught since people tune in to listen, by God you have to give them something to listen to even when you've got nothing. Just dig deep and you can find something like:

JF:"How do you, how do, how do you feel about - no, what do you, what do you THINK about the practice?"

Guest: "Well, there are times

JF:"I mean what, what, what exactly do you think about their, about their way of, what do you think of their methods?"

Guest: "Their methods

JF: "Some, some people think their methods are unconventional. Not the methods that others might, might use.

Worse than her everyday radio voice: the winter solstice poetry circle inspires her to verbally drool. Unless you are a fan of the seven syllable "ooh" hide your radios and stay out of your car if you have to.

R.I.P.

May '05 - October '07

Irksome because it's not a good time to find a replacement.

Nice, prompt response from bidder:

Hello Friend,
        I have effected the payment of this transaction via paypal and I hope that you have gotten it there? ,I just got an invoice from paypal for the receipt of the item that I have paid for via paypal. So I will like you to go and check your email and see if you gotten the confirmation mail from paypal okay.
N.B
Below is my relative address that you will have to send this item to:
NAME: ---------------------------------------------IK    JAMES .
ADDRESS: --------------------------------------NO-1 AKINTOYE SHOGUNLE  STREET.
PHONE NUMBER: ---------------------------2348034634558
CITY: -----------------------------------------------IKEJA
POSTAL CODE: -------------------------------100001
STATE: --------------------------------------------LAGOS STATE
COUNTRY: ---------------------------------------NIGERIA

And I will like to inform you once again that you will have to post this item via USPS GLOBAL EXPRESS MAIL, or EMS 3 to 5 business day for the delivering okay.
And as soon as you post the item, I will like you to send me the tracking number that you used for the posting, so that I can give it to my relative in other for him to know when he will be expecting this item. And don¢t forget, you are to leave me a positive feedback at the end of this transaction okay.

Best Regards

The automatrons at ebay want me to use "friendly payment reminders" to settle this "misunderstanding." This is clearly getting more irksome than sweat shoppy.

Even with one hand tied behind my back

Empathy can be hard even with experience on my side. I broke my left wrist in a badmitton related accident some time ago. Some long time ago. A picture from that time shows that just one faded blue bandana was large enough for a sling. I'm also wearing a bright red mini dress with nehru collar and gold button detailing down the front. The hem line is no where close to the top of my white knee socks.

So - it's been a while. Can you really blame me for doing the dishes one handed this morning just to prove it could be done?

Sucks

My initial level of irk-ation  with the self serve car wash super vac was fairly mild. A dollar now covers six minutes when last season it was seven. Still, a dry run led me to believe that a carefully choreographed effort might cover the seats, floors, and trunk area. I'd have to forgo the tootsie roll wrapper filled ashtrays. Such is life.

My frustration grew when I discovered the garbage bin had a pin sized opening. I had to stomp on every piece of trash and then do some origami to stuff it in there. Since jerks spilled a bucket of movie popcorn in the back hatch, I decided to start there. But first I had to shred the paper popcorn bucket and roll the pieces into little blunts to feed into the trash.

Just ten seconds into it, I realize that popcorn clogs the intake. While manually dislodging the debris, I discover that the nozzle is forked to ensure that nothing wider than a string passes through. Unfortunately, the fringes on my scarf qualify  and what passes next are the longest six minutes of my life. 

Since I lost consciousness, I've no idea how long I actually struggled. Clearly the larger danger would have been freezing to death since I decided to do this during a Packer game just so I could be the only human outdoors within a forty mile radius.